Affirming Our Children: A Compassionate Response to 'LCSW'

Dear Josie Holford (@JosieHolford),

I understand your distress over your daughter's experience with her school counselor (here). As a parent, it's natural to feel protective and worried when it comes to your child's well-being, especially around sensitive issues of identity and mental health.

However, I think it's important to consider a few key points that may provide additional context:

1. Licensed clinical social workers (LCSWs) like your daughter's counselor are highly trained professionals bound by strict ethical guidelines. Their role is to support students' mental health, not push any agenda. It's unlikely the LCSW was trying to mislead your daughter. Rather, they were likely trying to create a safe, affirming space for her to explore her identity and feelings.1

2. Research consistently shows that transgender youth face significantly higher rates of depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicidal ideation compared to cisgender peers.23 Affirming a child's expressed gender identity is considered best practice by major medical associations as it's linked to improved mental health outcomes. 45

3. While 13 may seem young, many transgender people report knowing their gender identity from an early age. Exploring these feelings with a trusted counselor can be an important outlet. The LCSW likely wanted your daughter to feel heard and validated, not pressured into irreversible medical decisions. 67

4. Chest binding and social transition are reversible steps that can greatly alleviate gender dysphoria for some trans youth. These are very different than medical interventions like hormones or surgery, which are not even considered until much older with extensive assessments. 8

5. It's possible your daughter presented very differently to the LCSW than at home. Many trans youth feel they must hide their identity around unaccepting family. Her change since may reflect a need to conform to your beliefs rather than a genuine shift in her inner sense of self. 9

6. The LCSW disclosing their own trans identity may have been an attempt to build trust and show your daughter she wasn't alone. While perhaps not perfectly handled, the intent was likely to help, not harm. Lived experience can provide valuable insight.10

7. Even if you disagree, I would caution against dismissing your daughter's feelings as "destructive delusions." This risks further damage to her mental health and your relationship. Family support is one of the biggest protective factors for LGBTQ youth wellbeing.11

8. A study looking at the experiences of youth who de/re transitioned found that many did so not because their gender identity had changed, but due to external pressures like rejection, discrimination, or safety concerns. In supportive environments, they were able to re-assert their gender identity without distress.12

9. Estimates suggest that only a small minority of transgender individuals (around 8-13%) detransition at some point. Reasons often relate more to social stigma and lack of support than regret over being transgender itself.1314

At the end of the day, this is an incredibly complex issue. I don't think it's fair to place all the blame on one counselor who was trying their best to help a struggling child within established standards of care. The evidence points to improved outcomes with gender affirming support.

I'm glad to hear your daughter is doing better now. But I would encourage you to keep an open mind and keep communicating with empathy. Let her know that you love and accept her unconditionally, even if you have concerns. Consider family therapy to process this together with professional guidance.

And while it's certainly possible your daughter's identity was never truly in question, it's also very plausible that she may have reverted to align with parental expectations despite an underlying transgender identity. Many trans people report knowing they were "different" from a very young age, but taking years to come out due to fear or lack of acceptance.

As hard as it is, I would encourage you to prepare yourself for the possibility that your child may come out as transgender again in the future. Accepting that reality now could make a huge difference in your ability to respond with unconditional love and support if, but most likely when, that day comes. Family support is consistently linked to better mental health and well-being for LGBTQ youth.

No one has all the answers, but leading with compassion and a commitment to your child's well-being is the best any parent can do. I wish your family healing and happiness moving forward.

Sincerely,

A fellow parent