Defining ‘Gender-Critical’

Early text exchange with a childhood friend1:

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I’ve realized something about myself.”

“What’s that?”

“I think I’m gender-critical.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t say with any certainty, but I just can't shake the feeling that something isn't right about all this. I think I need to look into it more and figure out where I stand”

“I don’t think this is the path you want to go down...”

As someone who prides myself on being accepting and open-minded, I’ve always tried to understand and support my friends, no matter what they’re going through. But when my childhood friend recently confided in me that they think they might be “gender-critical,” I found myself at a loss. I wanted to be there for them, but I couldn’t quite wrap my head around what being gender-critical actually entails.

If you've read my piece, "Are You the Oppressor?" you have some understanding of the gender-critical personality type. There's much more to be said about the profile of adults who are especially vulnerable to the promises of validation and victimization offered by the Gender-Critical movement. For the purposes of this essay, I just want to reiterate the idea that those parents who are driven to be "right" want to be seen as the sole arbiters of truth and of who their children “truly” are inside. My friend believes she might have a better outcome with her own trans teen if she could also be seen as such. What does “gender critical” mean? I can’t seem to get a clear, consistent, usable definition of what it means to be “gender critical”, but after several years of having a “gender critical” friend, I’ve come to some conclusions of my own: 

Gender-Critical is a character, an avatar if you will. We live in the digital age where people engage in loads of online discourse and can design imaginative personas to engage in magical, stunningly gorgeous echo chambers. It's actually pretty amazing and a great way for people to try on identities and test different strategies for engagement. Of course, the downside is that it's so engaging it makes real life seem dull, and for the sensitive and self-conscious, it's an escape that's understandably difficult to tear oneself away from. It's also an unfortunate pipeline to lifelong ideological possession—entire markets have been created to support this ideology, and people profit from the fear and pseudoscience it pushes.

There is a range of “gender-critical” identities out there for them to try, from Transgender Exclusionary Radical Feminists (TERFs), LGB without the T, and across the spectrum of ideological sub-genres to “Biological Essentialists” with various points and definitions along the way. I had no idea that gender critical ideology existed on a spectrum. Eventually, the self-absorbed adopt this into their public and day-to-day persona, until it consumes them, making it the sole thing they focus on and talk about. Another mouthpiece in the echo chamber.

Gender-Critical is a mask. It's a way to hide your fears and prejudice. We all develop coping mechanisms to deal with the pain that arrives with adult self-consciousness and accountability. This self-consciousness and accountability is developmentally appropriate, but for the extra-sensitive, it can be almost too painful to bear. Being wrong, not knowing or understanding, can be terrifying. For some, the coping mechanism is to be right, and to refuse to be open to anything that disagrees with what we want to be right. What better way to hide this ignorance and fear than to hide behind a figurative mask? Funny how Covid brought with it literal masks. My Gender-Critical friend is loathe to return to a Covid state of literal masks - how could she know who someone truly was when they were hiding it behind a mask? I'm sure there's comfort in knowing the Gender-Critical mask remains available to obscure their true self in order to maintain social acceptability. After all, a “concerned” mom is just “asking questions.”

Gender-Critical is the counterculture du jour. I'm clearly convinced of the profile of the sensitive, self-conscious parent who would try on identities (masks) to assert their uniqueness and victimhood. This personality type is the one who must be seen as different, requiring special care, recognized for their suffering as a parent of a transgender child. Of course, parents, like all humans, are still driven to find a sense of belonging. This parent predictably adopts whatever is offered to them as the current acceptable counterculture: anti-vax, flat earth, QAnon, Gender-Critical. Markets were created in all these instances, but the Gender-Critical counterculture is the first to concretize a temporary and trendy identity as a "victimized parent" with extreme and irreversible social and familial modifications, often at the expense of their own child's well-being.

Gender-Critical is a shield. It’s also strange to me how gender-critical people often claim to be “protecting” women and girls, while simultaneously reinforcing rigid gender stereotypes and denying the experiences of any women who falls outside of that definition. It’s like they’re trying to define womanhood in such a narrow and exclusionary way that anyone who doesn’t fit their specific criteria is seen as a threat or an imposter. This backfires, of course, as it causes “tranvestigations” and some appalling behavior towards cis women, particularly those of color, or those who are more gender non-conforming in how they choose to style and present themselves. Their true selves are vulnerable to the pain of reality. What better way to avoid pain and uncertainty that you are feeling than to project that onto others under the guise of shielding and protecting your child from being “transed”?

Gender-Critical is a stall tactic. Are you intimidated by the ideas of empathy, accountability, responsibility, and becoming a mature adult? No problem! If you're Gender-Critical, you can just opt out of all that uncomfortable interaction with transgender people and the pesky responsibilities that come with growing up and raising a trans child. Retreat to your group of likewise Gender-Critical friends who are equally uncomfortable with all that awkwardness that comes with secondary sex characteristics and maturity. Buy each other books and confuse everyone with your childlike, simplistic understanding of sex and gender. It's a sort of twisted Peter Pan Syndrome where you can remain a self-absorbed, undeveloped child who requires extra protection from what has become a rather scary and confusing real world. You don’t have to confront the fact that you have a trans child, the no worries! You can simply deny “trans” exists, reject your child’s autonomy and agency, and protect them with your gender-critical shield!

Gender-Critical is a conversion experience. Our friends have grown up in a culture that seems to many to be completely devoid of meaning. All our natural human cravings for community and belonging have been exploited through this movement. We created a perfect environment for our friends to be groomed and inducted into a new religion that offers a rebirth experience. When faced with modernity's problems of a ravaged planet and economy, little hope of achieving what our culture defines as "success," who could fault a sensitive, self-conscious adult for embracing baptism and a new identity in a religion that love-bombs you and promises salvation through self-victimization through very concrete steps and adherence to the Gender-Critical dogma? It even provides an outlet for all that anger you experience from realizing your lack of control of others!

Gender-Critical is the current symptom cluster. Many parents experience distress when their children enter puberty and begin to assert their own identities. For some parents, particularly those who are highly self-absorbed or who have unresolved issues of their own, this distress can be especially acute. When they see their friends and peers celebrating their children's accomplishments and milestones, they may feel inadequate or resentful, as if their own child's non-conformity is a personal failure or a shattered dream.

Enter gender-critical ideology, which offers a seductively simple solution to these parents' pain: blame the child's identity on external factors like peer pressure, social contagion, or mental illness, and double down on enforcing traditional gender norms. Gender-critical communities provide a wealth of anecdotes, conspiracy theories, and pseudo-scientific claims to support this view, encouraging parents to see their child's gender identity as a "phase," a "trend," or a "delusion" that can be cured with enough ‘tough love’ and ‘discipline’.

In practice, this often translates to a range of harmful behaviors, from denying the child's chosen name and pronouns, to withholding affection or support, to actively trying to suppress or change the child's gender expression. These communities celebrate parents who engage in such behaviors as heroes and martyrs, reinforcing the idea that they are saving their children from a dangerous and misguided "transgender agenda."

But in reality, these actions are a form of abuse, one that can have devastating consequences for the mental health and well-being of transgender youth. By encouraging parents to prioritize their own fears and prejudices over their child's needs and identity, gender-critical communities perpetuate a cycle of trauma and estrangement that can tear families apart. It is hard for me to even call this anything besides "indoctrination" and "recruitment."

Gender-Critical is an oppression label. We live in a culture that highlights and venerates oppression. If you fit the definition of "oppressor," you are truly the scum of the earth. I’ve noticed that a lot of gender-critical people seem to be really invested in the idea of being oppressed or silenced, even though their views are actually pretty well-represented in the media and in public discourse. It’s almost like they’re co-opting the language of marginalized groups to gain sympathy and attention, without actually experiencing the same levels of discrimination and violence that transgender people face on a daily basis. We shall overlook the fact that their outspoken rhetoric often incites the very violence they claim is made up or over represented by the trans community.

Gender-Critical is exceptional. The gender-critical movement often presents itself as a brave and principled stance against the "tyranny" of transgender activism and the supposed erosion of women's rights. They claim to be the only ones willing to speak the truth and defend the immutable reality of biological sex against the "delusions" of gender identity. The sad reality is that gender-critical ideology is far from exceptional or unique in its tactics and beliefs. Like many other extremist movements, it relies on a combination of pseudoscience, cherry-picked anecdotes, and fearmongering to advance its agenda. It presents a simplistic and binary view of the world, where anyone who disagrees with its narrow definition of womanhood is labeled a "mutilator", “pedo groomer”, “child abuser”or a "traitor" to the cause - among other more colorful and offensive terms. It's a movement that presents itself as a champion of women and protector of children, while simultaneously promoting a narrow and exclusionary vision of womanhood and sex and gender that leaves many women and children – particularly trans women and women of color – out in the cold.

Having arrived at these conclusions, frankly, I can't imagine what adult cannot see this for what it is. The way I see it is that when a parent is in crisis, and unable to see beyond themselves, and some online group offers them a way to easily understand without needing to challenge uncomfortable and inconvenient truths, then maybe it makes sense that people fall into that way of thinking. If I was un-moored without an anchor, wouldn't it make sense to go with the flow of what you know in the moment? If the option appears to be crashing upon the rocks and short, or going with the current of this train of thought, wouldn't it be stupid not to?

But as I think about my friend and the journey they're on, I can't help but feel a sense of urgency and concern. I know that the pull of these echo chambers can be strong, and that the promises of easy answers and a sense of belonging can be hard to resist. But I also know that the cost of buying into these ideologies is far too high – not just for my friend, but for all the transgender people and families who are harmed by their spread. Those whose loss is sadly permanent and irreversible.

So while I may not have all the answers, and while I know that my friend's path is ultimately their own to choose, I am committed to being a voice of reason, compassion, and truth in their life. To asking the hard questions, challenging the false assumptions, and holding space for the complexity and nuance of these issues. Because silence in the face of prejudice and oppression is compliance. And that's what true friendship and allyship look like – not just going along with the current, but being willing to swim against the tide when necessary.

I just hope that, by speaking out and standing up, I can help inoculate my friend against the echo chambers and indoctrination efforts of the gender-critical movement. That I can be a reminder of the love, support, and acceptance that are waiting for them on the other side of this journey. And that, in the end, we can find a way to navigate these waters together – not as servants to the New Gods of Gender Critical Ideology and Capitalism, but as free-thinking, open-hearted human beings, committed to justice, compassion, and the inherent worth and dignity of all people.