Letter to a Friend, Part Two

I wrote this is a fictional account taken from the friend’s perspective and the subsequent letter1. If were that friend, this is likely how I would have replied, and how I hope the original author’s friend does as well.

Dear Friend,

I have read your reply with a heavy heart and a deep sense of concern. As someone who cares about you and your family, I feel it is my duty to respond with both compassion and honesty. I know that you are struggling to understand and accept your daughter's identity, and I want you to know that I am here to support you through this challenging time. However, I also believe that as a true friend, I must gently but firmly challenge some of the assumptions and beliefs expressed in your letter.

First and foremost, I want to address the idea that your daughter has been "indoctrinated" or swept up in some sort of "transgender holocaust." At 25 years old, your daughter is a mature adult capable of making informed decisions about her own identity and life path. Her decision to transition is not the result of brainwashing or external pressure but rather a profound and personal journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance.

It is important to recognize that many of the mental health issues you mentioned, such as feelings of dissociation, being an outcast, and self-hatred, could very well stem from the distress of living in a body and social role that do not align with one's true gender identity. This experience, often referred to as gender dysphoria, can be deeply painful and isolating. For many transgender individuals, transitioning is not a frivolous choice but a necessary step towards alleviating this distress and living authentically. Many I know tell their story, and invariably, the ones who suffer many different struggles like your daughter all tell me the same thing: Transitioning did not solve all my problems, and I never expected it to. It did help me make sense of most of my struggles, and from that foundation, I was able to deal with the others that were not related. It enabled me to find that path to resolve these issues, and have the strength, self-worth, and self-respect to do so. Well, there is variation based on the person, but this was the overarching common themes.

I understand that you are concerned about the potential risks and long-term effects of gender-affirming treatments like hormone therapy. However, I would urge you to engage with the scientific evidence and expert consensus on this topic. Major medical organizations, such as the American Medical Association and the American Psychological Association, have recognized the necessity and benefits of gender-affirming care for the health and well-being of transgender individuals. While no medical intervention is without risks, the alternative - denying your daughter the care and support she needs - could have far more devastating consequences. There is decades of long term data that shows just how rare complicating issues are, and how much happier and healthier trans people are for having transitioned.

Your comparison of supporting transgender rights to being a "good German" during the Holocaust is not only inaccurate but also deeply hurtful. The genocide of millions during the Holocaust is in no way comparable to the growing acceptance and inclusion of transgender individuals in society. Such analogies trivialize the immense suffering of Holocaust victims and survivors and do a disservice to both them and the transgender community.

I know that you are in pain, and I want to acknowledge the depth of your feelings. It is never easy to see a loved one struggle or to feel like you are losing the child you thought you knew. But I want to gently remind you that your daughter is still the same person she has always been, with the same heart, mind, and soul. Her gender identity is not a rejection of you or your love but rather an essential part of who she is.

As a parent, I feel it is my role to love and support your child unconditionally, even when you may not fully understand or agree with their choices. Your daughter needs you now more than ever, and your acceptance and support could make all the difference in her life. I encourage you to keep the lines of communication open with her, to listen to her experiences and perspectives, and to approach this journey with an open heart and mind. Respect her for the woman she is, and be a part of helping to guide and shape her into the woman she is becoming.

I also want to address your concern about facing rejection or accusations from others due to your stance on this issue. While it is true that there are some extreme cases where people have faced professional or legal consequences for their views, these instances are often the result of discriminatory behavior, harassment, or the denial of necessary medical care to transgender individuals, particularly children. It is important to distinguish between holding personal beliefs and engaging in actions that harm or discriminate against others. We are responsible and accountable for our actions, and sooner or later if we push the limits of the rules and laws, or if we break them enough times, we will get caught. It is not right to stir up a storm and then be mad when it rains on you.

As your friend, I am here to walk alongside you through this challenging time. I may not have all the answers, but I am committed to learning and growing with you. I believe that by approaching this issue with empathy, compassion, and a willingness to engage with new information and perspectives, we can work towards a deeper understanding and a more inclusive world for all. Remember, it is being open and willing to consider new information and have the conversations with your daughter, doctors, and therapists that matters. If you shut down and deny anything you do not want to hear, you are only stewing in your own echo-chamber until it gets so toxic that people will not want to be around you anymore. This is not healthy or fair to yourself, or those around you.

Finally, try to keep perspective on things and realize that this is not about you. It is about your daughter and the difficult but brave journey she is on, and she deserves your love and support every step of the way. I know that you want what is best for her, even if you are struggling to understand what that looks like right now. I encourage you to seek out resources and support groups for parents of transgender children, to listen to the stories of other families who have navigated this path, and to approach your daughter with an open heart and a willingness to learn. If you would like some groups that are there to help parents just like you, I am happy to share, find a local group, and if you are willing to wait a couple of weeks, I can even take some vacation time to meet up with and go with you, if that makes it easier or better for you.

Remember, your daughter is not lost or broken. She is finding herself and living her truth. Your love and acceptance are the greatest gifts you can give her as she navigates this journey. I am here for you, my friend, to listen, to support, and to help in any way I can. Let us move forward together with compassion, understanding, and the shared goal of creating a world where all people, including your daughter, can live authentically and with dignity.

With love and understanding,

[Your Name]