Parenting a Potentially Transgender Child: Education, Not Indoctrination

Hey there, folks. It's your friendly neighborhood advocate for transgender and gender-diverse youth and parents here, and I've got some thoughts on the second part of that article series we've been talking about, "How to Parent a Gender Dysphoric Kid."1 Now, I want to believe the author means well, but there are some real issues with the advice they're giving that we need to address head-on.

Pick your battles wisely

First up, the author talks about "picking your battles wisely" and not caring about the clothes or haircut their child chooses. While it's true that giving kids some autonomy is important, the way they frame it as "gendered clothing" being just a "marketing concept", though a fair enough point to make, dismisses the very real and personal experiences of transgender and gender-diverse individuals. You see, from what I understand it's not about the clothes themselves, but about the way they allow someone to express themselves and be seen how they wish to be seen, aiding in their being identified in a manner that they want. We probably want to be a bit more sensitive to that, and not come across as so dismissive.

The author also mentions fighting the "binder battle" and compromising with sports bras instead. While it's understandable to have concerns about potential physical harm, it's crucial to approach this topic with empathy and understanding. Binders can be a vital tool for many transgender and gender-diverse individuals to alleviate gender dysphoria and feel more comfortable in their own skin. Instead of outright banning them, parents should have an open and honest conversation with their child and maybe consult with a medical professional to educate on and ensure safe and healthy binding practices. This can even be a ground where a compromise can be brokered to minimize risk and still allow for individualism, self-expression, and personal autonomy while underscoring just how serious these things are, and their potential consequences. This is teaching your kid how to adult about serious life decisions, starting with something small and manageable, but could have real implications. To me, this seems like a good starting ground to start teaching this.

Speak calm truth

Now, let's talk about this idea of "speaking calm truth." In the example given, the child tries to explain their desire for surgery and hormones by comparing it to a blind person wanting to see again. The parent's response, while perhaps not intentionally malicious, is perhaps intentionally obtuse, and is in and of itself a form of gaslighting – a tactic used to sow seeds of doubt in the victim's mind and make them question their own perceptions and understanding of reality.

By dismissing their child’s analogy with an oversimplified counter-argument, as opposed to helping them better communicate their feelings and emotions, the parent is essentially telling them that their understanding of their own identity and experiences is wrong and that they cannot trust their own feelings. The parent's response, "I'm confused about your scenario. I'm trying to understand it. In that scenario the eyes weren't working properly and the surgery was to restore their original function, however your body is already healthy and working properly. So, I'm not understanding the comparison," is insensitive and emotionally invalidating.

This type of emotional manipulation can lead to self-doubt, confusion, low self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, and an increased risk of mental health issues. It's crucial for parents to recognize that dismissing or invalidating their child's experiences, whether intentional or not, can be a form of emotional abuse and may have lasting impacts on their child's psychological well-being.

Instead of trying to "catch them out" or prove a point, I believe that parents should strive to create a safe, supportive, and non-judgmental environment where their child feels heard, respected, and valued. This means listening to their child's perspective with an open mind, seeking to understand rather than argue, and providing unconditional love and acceptance. It is in this environment where they can explore various aspects of themselves, see that whatever value they get from it will not be from your anger, hurt, shock, or ruffled feathers. That whatever value they get must be from within. Otherwise, I expect it would pass on its own, in its own time, as they either tire of maintaining this aspect of their life, or they validate that this really is the thing they thought it was. This is, of course, is best done with a therapist - one that is experienced in transgender mental health. That is pretty much non-optional, in my humble opinion.

The author's point about realizing that kids may say things just to see how their parents react, and the importance of modeling desired behavior, is generally good advice. However, when it comes to supporting a transgender or gender-questioning child, it's crucial to approach this with extra care and sensitivity. While it's true that children may sometimes test boundaries or seek attention, dismissing a child's expressed gender identity as merely a reaction-seeking behavior can be incredibly damaging and invalidating.

Instead of assuming that a child's gender exploration is insincere or misguided, parents should model behavior that demonstrates openness, acceptance, and a willingness to learn. This means listening to their child's experiences without judgment, seeking out information from reliable sources2, and showing unconditional love and support. By creating a safe and affirming environment, parents can help their child feel more comfortable and confident in exploring and expressing their authentic self.

And for the bit about reminding their kid periodically that, as their parents, their biggest responsibility was to look out for them, not only in this moment, but into the future as well, and that their greatest hope was that they grow up to be happy and healthy. "We asked her "what other motivation" we could possibly have as her parents with the decisions we make?" As loving and as touching as this is, used in this scenario and in this way, it won't take long for a clever teen to recognize that "other motivation" is simply for them to be anything but transgender, that you will only love and accept them for being your child, and not anything else. That your love is truly conditional, and you obviously are not willing to consider the fact that they might be experiencing dysphoria severe enough to warrant transitioning, let alone receive support and acceptance. That having any kind of say in who they are is dismissed because mommy and daddy know them better than they do. What do I suspect will result from such an approach? A kid who will conform to and adopt your narrative and behave and force themselves to fit into the mold you expect them to fit into. At great cost to their own mental and emotional health. I suspect that as soon as they are financially able to support themselves, and after quite some therapy, they will end up down the road of transition or finding their path toward being non-binary, or landing somewhere in the LGBTQ+ rainbow spectrum. Likely with some boundaries set around themselves and their relationship with you, their parents.

Be indirect if needed when introducing or changing the environment

The author also suggests being "indirect" when introducing or changing the environment, like putting up photos of their child throughout the house. While reminiscing about childhood memories can be a nice thing to do, using it as a tactic to undermine a child's gender identity is manipulative and harmful. It sends the message that their current identity is somehow wrong or invalid and can damage the trust and communication within the family. It shows that you have a strong preference for who you want them to be, how you want them to be, and not for who they are in front of you now, or how they want to be moving forward.

Imagine being a young person who's already struggling to understand and express who they are, finally worked up the courage to share it, and then having your own parents constantly undermining and dismissing your experiences by plastering the walls with pictures of you that, well, aren't you for a lack of a better way to describe it. I mean it is, but it feels wrong. It's like telling a kid who loves to paint that art is just a waste of time and they should focus on "real" things instead. It's not only hurtful and dismissive, but it can also seriously damage the trust and communication within the family.

Be direct when needed

When it comes to being "direct," the author's example of comparing being transgender to anorexia or past medical scandals is not only inaccurate but also deeply offensive. It perpetuates harmful stereotypes and misconceptions about transgender identities and can make a child feel ashamed or broken. These false equivalencies contribute to the stigmatization and marginalization of transgender individuals. Parents should educate themselves on the realities of being transgender and approach the topic with sensitivity and respect. Furthermore, this is a false equivalence. This is comparing apples to oranges; the two are not comparable. Transgender people have existed for quite a long time, likely as long as there have been human beings. Kudos on reading the intent behind the lashing out, and if you recognize that they are trying to convey that this is something you do not or cannot understand, then that should serve as a sign to listen and try to understand, not gaslight your kid even more.

Trust Your Instincts

The idea of "trusting your instincts" and allowing their child to watch gender-critical content on YouTube is concerning. While it's important to expose children to different perspectives, the "gender critical" movement is often rooted in misinformation, pseudoscience, and transphobic rhetoric. Parents should be cautious about the content their children consume and ensure that it comes from reputable, evidence-based sources. Here the author is, without shame, allowing their kid to fall down an indoctrination rabbit hole. The author's suggestion to bargain with their child to watch specific videos together, such as the transparency podcast with Lisa Selin Davis, Laura Funk God, and "No Way Back, the Reality of Gender Affirming Care," is concerning. While it's important to discuss and explore various perspectives on gender identity, the materials mentioned may present a biased or incomplete picture of transgender experiences. As you mentioned in your article on indoctrination, exposing children to carefully curated content that aligns with a specific agenda can be a form of indoctrination, rather than fostering genuine critical thinking and understanding.

Instead of relying on cherry-picked videos and podcasts, parents should seek out balanced, evidence-based information from reputable sources, such as medical and mental health professional organizations, to gain a more comprehensive understanding of transgender identities and experiences. By presenting a wide range of perspectives and encouraging open, honest discussions, parents can help their child develop the critical thinking skills needed to navigate this complex topic.

If they are trans as they claim themselves to be, then they are going to be in a world of self-hatred for a long, long time. Because they will have this "truth" that was spoon-fed to them by their parents, the knowledge that their ability to be loved and accepted is conditional based on this belief, and they will grow to hate the quiet part of them that they will never be able to completely ignore or bury.

Continue teaching your child age-appropriate life skills
Present opportunities for critical thinking

Teaching life skills and encouraging critical thinking are important for any child's development, but the way the author frames it as a way to "prove" that being transgender is somehow misguided or a result of not wanting to "adult" is problematic. Being transgender is not a choice or a way to avoid responsibility, or for any other kind of perceived gain, and suggesting otherwise dismisses the very real and complex experiences of transgender individuals. This does come with a pretty strong exception though. If a kid comes out as trans, and does so expressly for some perceived benefits, then this may be a red flag. I think it is safe to treat it as such at first, and this should be carefully examined and discussed, ideally with a therapist and all together. I say carefully, because some of the perceived benefits may be very real and valid, just not when stated in a superficial manner, or perceived to be superficial. We must understand how deep the rabbit holes go, and where they lead.

Listen When You Don’t Want To | Ask questions

The author's point about listening and sitting with their child's emotions is a good one, and creating a safe space for open communication is crucial. However, the example of asking leading questions like "I wonder why people think someone's feelings are more important than objective reality?" is not fostering genuine understanding or empathy. It's a loaded question that implies being transgender is somehow delusional or not based in reality. This is teaching your kid how to mislead others by misleading themselves. This is not going to teach them healthy adaptive techniques, but reinforce maladaptive ones. The questions raised are way beyond what one can reasonably expect any teen to answer. Most college graduates probably won't be well-equipped to handle such in-depth questions on philosophy and gender. Most parents I know are not that well-read, and we should not expect them to be. Certainly not a teen. I am not sure the author is prepared to answer those with the depth and breadth they deserve. Hell, I am not sure I am able to either! It is unfair to paint a teen into that box, and then let them believe that since they don't know the answer, they must be wrong. That what they feel is wrong.

The list of materials the author and their child reviewed together, such as YouTube videos on cults, the developing brain of a juvenile, and the Coddling of the American Mind audiobook, raises red flags. While these topics may be interesting and relevant in certain contexts, they are not directly applicable to understanding and supporting a child's gender identity. In fact, presenting these materials as part of a discussion about transgender experiences could reinforce harmful misconceptions and suggest that being transgender is a result of brainwashing, immaturity, or oversensitivity.

Instead of focusing on tangentially related content, parents should prioritize resources that directly address the realities of transgender identities, the importance of affirming care, and the experiences of transgender individuals and their families. This could include books, articles, and videos created by transgender authors, as well as materials from professional organizations such as WPATH or the American Academy of Pediatrics. By providing accurate, relevant information, parents can help their child develop a deeper understanding of themselves and feel more supported in their journey.

Joke whenever possible

Joking about gender identity, like the example of "misgendering" a cat, may seem harmless to the author, but it can trivialize and be seen as mocking a deeply personal and often challenging aspect of someone's identity or struggle with it. It reinforces harmful stereotypes and can make a child feel belittled or misunderstood, even if that's not the intent. This is something I would use carefully, if at all, because it can be a way to introduce some much needed levity in an otherwise heavy conversation.

The author's final points about remaining patient, apologizing, making mistakes, and creating a loving environment are important, but they're undermined by the overall approach of trying to convince their child to abandon their transgender identity. The suggested materials, like videos on cults and fallacies, further reinforce the harmful notion that being transgender is a "belief system" rather than a valid and real experience.

I do agree with this bit "You have to have faith that your kid is smart enough to see through this AS LONG AS they are given the critical thinking skills by their parents and that we create the right environment for growth." Perhaps not in the same manner as the author does, but the principle is sound. We just have to be honest in that principle and how we live it.

So, what can parents do instead? First and foremost, they should affirm their child's gender identity and provide them with the resources and support they need to explore and understand their experiences. This means seeking out evidence-based information, consulting with qualified professionals, and offering unconditional love and acceptance.

Parents should also be mindful of the potential risks of the tactics promoted in the article, like eroding trust and communication within the family, suppressing their child's authentic self, and delaying or preventing access to appropriate medical and mental health care. By educating themselves on best practices and expert recommendations, they can better support their child's gender journey.

What does this advice not mean? It means not gaslighting your kid. It means not engaging in emotional blackmail and manipulation, or using your adult life experiences to prey upon your kid's ignorance and lack of experience. It means teaching and educating them in all aspects of what they are feeling, thinking, and desiring to do, as it comes up. Maybe you do this together? Discuss these with the therapist, often the best way to put all this into context is with someone who has experience and depth in the field.

It also means not rushing your kid into anything, and not letting them rush into anything close to permanent either. Binders, tucking, change of attire and appearances? Not permanent, no harm done. Blockers? So much scaremongering has surfaced about blockers, but they are generally safe and reversible. A pause button is often a good idea, as it is better safe than sorry. I would not advocate rushing into this either though, but this is something I would recommend being open to once we have ruled out a few of the obvious and common things. Also, as with any human being, exceptions always apply, so it is always important to be cognizant of this, and ready to accept that it may be your kid that is in that exception category.

It's crucial to understand that a child's gender identity may evolve over time, and parents should support their child through this journey, regardless of the outcome. Patience and understanding are key, as is maintaining open and honest communication throughout the process.

There are many great resources available for parents of transgender and gender-diverse youth, such as support groups like PFLAG and Gender Spectrum, professional organizations like the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH), and reputable educational materials.3 By engaging in open, honest, and non-judgmental conversations with their child and seeking out these resources, parents can create a loving and supportive environment for their child to thrive.

At the end of the day, what transgender and gender-diverse youth need most is compassion, understanding, and unconditional love and acceptance. By approaching this journey with empathy, an open mind, and a commitment to their child's well-being, parents can help create a world where every child feels seen, heard, and valued for exactly who they are. Remember, approaching this topic with love, compassion, and a willingness to learn can have a profound and positive impact on your child's life and your relationship with them.