A Letter For Setting Healthy Boundaries

I know it can be difficult to deal with loved one, particular those who(m) we are closest to that have difficulties understanding those who are trans. Coming out and seeking that acceptance, validation, love and respect for who and what you are is daunting. As the old adage goes “You will find out who your real friends and family are once you come out.”

Though it often an option of last resort, as it should be, it is not unusual for it to become necessary to set some healthy boundaries around ourselves to protect ourselves and our emotional (and sometimes physical) well-being. This is particularly true to parents and loved ones, those who are close to us, who have bought into that which is “gender critical ideology”. Maybe they consider themselves a “gender critical radical feminist” or just “gender critical”. Regardless of what euphemisms they like to use, we hope and encourage that presenting your personal testimony, you experiences, feelings, and when needed, the science, facts, and evidence to support your position, will be enough to soften even the hardest of hearts.

Remember, our ultimate goal here at PITTpeople is to break down barriers with love and compassion, leveraging facts and data to reach those caught up in this echo-chamber. Ideally, with a lot of patience, time, and education efforts, we hope that parents will reconcile with you, their trans kid. That healing can take place, and bring the family back together.

However, we all have our limits and we must not forget to put ourselves and our emotional (and physical) well-being first. To do that requires setting some clear boundaries, what is and is not acceptable behavior, and the consequences for violating this boundary.

This letter serves as a template for you to try out. Fill in the blanks and you have the minimum to get yourself started. Ideally, you can write this entire letter in your own words; however, if you struggle with the overwhelming emotions surrounding taking this last resort, or if you struggle to find a way to put your feelings into words to begin with, or to set boundaries and be your own advocate, than this can at least provide you a basic structure to follow.

I hope it helps you, and I hope for the best, most positive outcome possible between you and the intended recipient(s) of such a letter.

Dear [Name],

I am writing this letter to address some issues I have about our relationship. I had hoped to avoid needing to do so, but I believe it is time to establish necessary boundaries for the sake of my mental health and emotional well-being.

As you know, I came out to you as a [trans w/m, nb], and this is a core part of who and what I am. When I shared this with you, and my name and pronouns, it is an incredible act of trust and vulnerability. It is crucial to me that you and the loved ones in my life respect me and my identity, as it this has a direct impact on my sense of self-worth and belonging.

However, I have noticed a pattern of behavior where my name and pronouns are not being used consistently or are being ignored altogether. [Provide specific examples if desired here]

I want to make it clear that this behavior is hurtful and detrimental to my mental and emotional well-being. When my identity is not respected, it sends the message that you do not fully see, accept, or value me for who I am. This leads to [describe impact in your own words here, e.g. “feelings of rejection, anxiety, and depression.” or whatever holds true for you].

I understand that adjusting to these new facts about me in life, and my new names and pronouns can take time and practice[depends on your situation: “, and I appreciate the effort you have made so far” or some such]. However, consistent misgendering or deadnaming, whether intentional or not, is not acceptable. It undermines my sense of safety and trust in you and our relationship. It is a smack in the face and a knife in the heart.

[here you can add a few sentences about how repeated requests and efforts to ask the person to stop, being patient and waiting/reminding for x period of time, and other relevant details about efforts you have made to educate, correct, and if applicable, compromise have been repeatedly rejected or failed]

So moving forward, if this behavior continues, I will need to take steps to protect my well-being, which will include limiting our contact or taking a break from our relationship until I feel that my identity is being respected. This is determined entirely on your choices and behaviors. I did not choose to be [trans, nb, etc], but it is a choice to respect me for who and what I am, or to reject and deny my personhood. Your beliefs and opinions do not justify hurtful and insulting behavior.

Please understand that this comes from a place of self-respect, not anger or resentment. I value our relationship [deeply, etc], and I want us to have a strong, healthy bond built on mutual respect and understanding.

I am open to having further conversations about this if you have questions or concerns. I can provide resources to help you better understand [transgender/nb identities] if that would be helpful. My goal is for us to move forward together with mutually reciprocated love and respect.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and for considering my needs and boundaries. I hope that, together, we can grow our relationship and find a path forward based on mutual love, respect, empathy, and understanding.

With love,

[Your Name]