The Concerned Parent's Guide to Avoiding Pesky CPS Interference in Your Totally Not Abusive Gender Critical Parenting Practices

Sigh: This is based off some terrible and potentially illegal advice from pittparents.com1. Before I break into the satirical piece, know that yes, gender critical parents really are advising each other on how to avoid the CPS officers and the attention of CPS agencies via various typical reporting routes. They are linking to this PDF which is where I derived some of the other advice for the satire. This is chilling, and potentially illegal. If possible, this post needs to be reported to substack proper (I already have, but the more the merrier).

Yes, if you or a parent you know, engages in these practices or talks about them, then they are likely a danger to their kids well being. I am not writing this satire to make light of the situation, I am writing this satire to expose how ridiculous it is to 1) engage in this behavior and think it as “reasonable” or “good advice” as the parents in the comments seem to believe and 2) to show that if you need or appreciate this advice, you are probably engaging in abusive behavior to your child(ren). Yes, denying necessary and potentially life saving care is a form of abuse and neglect.

Are you tired of those meddling Child Protective Services (CPS) agents sticking their noses in your business just because you choose to parent your child in a way that some might call "emotionally abusive" or "neglectful"? Well, fear not! Our handy guide will teach you all the tricks to keep those pesky social workers at bay and maintain your iron grip on your child's life.

First and foremost, make sure your child knows never to talk to anyone about what goes on at home. Coach them to keep their mouths shut, no matter how much those nosy teachers or counselors pry. Remember, it's not "coercion" or "intimidation" if you're just protecting your parental rights!

Next, if you absolutely must use corporal punishment, be smart about it. Only hit your kid where the bruises won't show, and make sure they're young enough not to fight back. And if anyone asks, just say you were "disciplining" them - after all, it's not abuse if you call it something else, right?

If your child has any pesky mental health or developmental issues, make sure to keep them far away from those meddling public health services. Stick to private doctors who won't ask too many questions, and if your kid needs medication, shop around until you find a doc who will prescribe what you want. Who cares if they actually need it?

Now, if your child starts spouting any of that nonsense about being transgender or gay, it's time to take drastic action. Yank them out of school and isolate them from anyone who might fill their head with crazy ideas about "acceptance" or "support." Make sure they know that their identity is something to be ashamed of and hidden at all costs.

If worse comes to worst and CPS does come knocking, don't let them in without a fight. Stall, deflect, and deny everything. Move out of state if you have to - anything to avoid having to answer for your totally legit parenting choices.

And if anyone tries to tell you that your behavior is "abusive" or "harmful," just remember: you're the parent, and you know best. Those CPS agents and child welfare experts are just out to get you, with their fancy degrees and "evidence-based practices." What do they know about raising kids, anyway?

So go forth, brave parent, and fight for your right to emotionally scar your child in peace. With this guide, you'll be able to navigate the treacherous waters of child-rearing without any interference from those pesky "professionals" who think they know better than you. Remember, only the guilty innocent and righteous ones have to hide behind closed doors!

(Disclaimer: This is a work of satire, and the advice given here is not only terrible but also potentially illegal. If you suspect a child is being abused or neglected, please report it to the proper authorities. And if you're a parent who is struggling to provide a safe and healthy environment for your child, please seek help from reputable sources who prioritize the well-being of children above all else.)

Yes, sadly, the parents on pittparents.com believe this to be good advice, here is a small sample: