They are just using you

Submitted by an anonymous user who found themselves writing an impassioned plea to a mother in an anti-trans echo chamber (the other, objectively worse, PITT) who was struggling to accept her trans son.

Just because we stand at polar opposites does not mean we do not share the same values, principles, or love for our kids, parents, or families.

Just because I think you, and parents like you, are making a terrible mistake and being exploited by people who are greedy for attention and/or money doesn’t mean I am just trolling or insincere. There is a point and a method to this madness.

I do not doubt you love your child. I believe you believe you love them very much, even unconditionally. I would argue that if you do, then it doesn't matter what you brought into the world because that is your kid - man or woman - doesn't matter. You thought you had one, and surprise! you had something else. Yes, there is a whole lot of confusion, even loss for your hopes and dreams for your kid - but they were YOUR hopes and dreams, not theirs. But you know what you do have? The potential for new hopes and dreams, new firsts to go through with your son, and for you both to share them and grow together.

But that is not a problem with your son. That is a mommabear one.
And you are right, nothing will be as it was before. You can never step into the same river twice. I hear you, I do.

The fact is, you are not there for your daughter because she is not there. Your son is. He cannot change this fact about himself because that is not a choice he makes. If he could flip a switch he would have done so by now, I promise you. But you can be there for your son, that *is* a choice you can make! Can you do that?

That involves learning, growing, and evolving as a mother. Change and growth is scary. But isn't that what we do with our babies the moment they are born, and every day after that? It was scary then when he was so tiny and new in the world, but he is not so tiny anymore. So what makes that so terrible and frightening to do that some more now, together? This time, you have your kid to lean on and learn from, he gets to guide you for a bit, and how amazing is that?

Your son is your son, and I do not think that will ever change. His love for you will never change either, not from day one, and not on his 100th year of age. Will yours? Has it become conditional now? If not, then how do these two paths converge back into one? How can that happen without mutual, reciprocated love, and respect between you both?

I sincerely hope that you can find it within yourself to accept the possibility that, at 27 (almost 28 if not already by now?) he knows fully what he is doing and why. You can either be there to share in his truth and joy at self discovery and help shape the man he is to become, or you can watch as he finds a chosen family that accepts him and will share those joys with him instead. This is very much your choice that rests in your sphere of control.

None of this makes it any easier, I know. Nothing I can say, nothing anyone can say will make this easier on you. My goal is to help people who get sucked into this pool of sadness and despair to come up for some air, look around and find dry land, and swim to shore in time to rebuild that bridge with their kid before the last embers of hope on that ever being possible die out.

This online community doesn’t really care for you. It is a bunch of online random people, just like me. If you’re sad, they’re not there to call, they’re not substantially your community. They don’t care for your well-being, they care for you insofar as you become an ally to them in the fight against trans people, to be another voice in the echo chamber. They are not going to do anything but help stoke the flames of anger and hate. It forges them an ally, another donor, but where does that leave you with your kid? Isn't that what this is all about in the first place? Don't believe me? The moment you share the first joyous bonding moment with your son, some little moment that brings him happiness and you both closer together, share when his voice first breaks, or how proud you were as you watched him put on his first suit after top surgery, or when he worked up the nerve to ask that cute girl (or guy) out. That post will be the first moment when the first comment here will turn on you. Then another. Because you are not adding to the echo chamber, but standing in opposition to it. Because they are not truly here for you, they are here for your hurt, pain, and anger to add to their own.

But your son? Your son will always love you, but being there for you, being a part of your life and family again, that is conditional on you recognizing your son right now. He just wants his Momma to love him for him, and struggles to understand why being your son makes him suddenly unlovable. How you can stand there and claim that you know him, his heart and mind, and his life experiences better than himself. It wounds as deeply as it does infuriate. No one deserves to have their basic humanity questioned and denied. Not that is your intent, but intent and impact are two different things. We mean one, but are responsible for the other.

So my advice? Ask yourself which version of yourself do you want to be, and start there.

Thanks for reading People with Inconvenient Truths about Transphobes [PITT]! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.