When "Love" Becomes a Weapon

PITT

17 May 2025 — 8 min read

The Inconvenient Truth About "Concerned" Parents Who Push Their Children Away

Folks, we've got another parent wondering why their adult child wants nothing to do with them while simultaneously documenting exactly why their child wants nothing to do with them (Scroll down past the references to see their message). Like a person standing in a downpour asking why they're getting wet while refusing an umbrella. The lack of self-awareness would be comical if it weren't so heartbreaking for the people on the receiving end of this behavior.

Today we're taking a quick look at a post on Mar 15 2025 @4:34 PM from someone we'll call "Patty," who is utterly baffled about why their 30-year-old nonbinary child has cut contact. Let's break down what happened:

Patty sent their adult child anti-trans content on "Detrans awareness day"
Their child responded by setting a clear boundary and blocking them
Patty is now "devastated" but also "relieved" and seeking advice from other like-minded folks

The most telling part of this entire situation is that Patty cannot see how their own actions directly caused this outcome. This isn't a mystery that needs solving. This is cause and effect.

The Harassment Disguised as "Concern"

Let's look at what Patty openly admits to doing:

Consistently misgendering their adult child (putting "nonbinary" in quotes and using incorrect pronouns)
Bombarding them with unsolicited anti-trans content from Genspect, a group known for opposing gender-affirming care
Attributing their child's identity to outside influences rather than respecting their autonomy
Prioritizing their own discomfort over their child's funeral experience during a time of family grief
Sending daily pictures as a form of emotional pressure

These aren't the actions of someone who's simply confused or well-meaning but misguided. This is a pattern of behavior that experts recognize as harmful and counterproductive to maintaining family relationships.1

The Science Patty Doesn't Want to Hear

Patty mentions their child has a biology degree, yet dismisses their understanding of their own identity. Let's be clear about what the research actually shows:

Family rejection significantly increases mental health risks for LGBTQ+ individuals2
Gender-affirming care is associated with improved mental health outcomes3
Adult transgender and nonbinary individuals report better outcomes when supported by family4

When Patty's child said "People are happier" regarding medical interventions, they weren't wrong. The research backs this up. But instead of engaging with this reality, Patty chose to counter with cherry-picked sources from organizations with clear anti-trans agendas.5

The Religious Weaponization

Patty invokes Jesus and Catholicism repeatedly, suggesting their child has "kicked faith to the curb." This is a common tactic—using religious beliefs as a cudgel rather than embracing the core teachings of compassion and unconditional love that exist in most faith traditions.

Many religious scholars and organizations affirm that supporting LGBTQ+ individuals is completely compatible with faith.6 Patty's version of religion has become a convenient justification for rejection rather than a guide for acceptance.

The Satirical Reversal

Let's imagine for a moment what this would look like from the child's perspective:

"I guess I made a terrible mistake in setting a boundary with my parent who keeps sending me anti-trans propaganda. That very night they texted everyone they know saying:

'I can't believe my child won't let me misgender them anymore. I am simply devastated that they want to be treated with basic respect, and they never will be the person I decided they should be before they were born. I'm so tired of having to acknowledge their actual identity instead of the fictional version I prefer.

I'm lucky to have people in my echo chamber who validate my refusal to respect my own child. So I'll be okay, despite how inconvenient it is to have a child who expects to be treated with dignity.

I'm going to keep complaining about them to strangers on the internet, goodbye.'

My supportive friends and I are relieved all over again, as this parent had already been sending me harmful content for months..."

The Path Forward (That Patty Probably Won't Take)

If Patty genuinely wants to rebuild a relationship with their child, the solution is remarkably straightforward:

Respect their child's identity (use correct pronouns, stop putting "nonbinary" in quotes)
Stop sending unwanted anti-trans content
Listen more than talk
Seek education from actual experts in gender diversity, not groups formed to oppose affirming care
Stop making yourself a victim - “A Sad Mom…” indeed.

But that would require Patty to prioritize their child's well-being over their own discomfort, and based on this post, that seems unlikely in the near term.

The Real Victims Here

When parents like Patty talk about being "devastated" while actively causing harm, they're attempting to claim victimhood while being the aggressor. Their adult children aren't cutting contact on a whim—they're protecting themselves from ongoing harm after likely years of trying to maintain a relationship while being disrespected.

At 30 years old, Patty's child has likely spent significant time and emotional energy trying to help their parent understand. The decision to cut contact doesn't happen overnight. It comes after exhausting all other options.

As Patty's child so eloquently put it: "I'm so tired of hoping you'll finally understand and love me for who I really am instead of who you thought I'd be."

That's not the statement of someone being difficult. That's the last gasp of someone who has been fighting for basic respect and has finally accepted it isn't coming. That their parent, no matter how much they may love them, does not reciprocate that same unconditional love. They are finally accepting the fact that Patty loves her child for what parts they have, not for the beautiful person they are - inside and out.

The Most Inconvenient Truth of All

Patty claims to be "relying on prayer" and invokes Jesus repeatedly throughout their post. But here's the inconvenient truth about unconditional love that Patty doesn't want to face:

True unconditional love—the kind their religious texts actually preach—doesn't come with disclaimers, footnotes, or requirements that your child be who you want them to be.

Jesus didn't say "love thy neighbor unless they use different pronouns" or "honor thy father and mother only if they validate your preconceived notions of who you should be."

The prayer Patty should be saying isn't for their child to change—it's for the strength to recognize that they are the one placing conditions on what should be unconditional love.

The greatest irony in Patty's story is that while they worry their child has "kicked faith to the curb," it's Patty who has abandoned one of faith's most fundamental teachings: to love others as they are, not as you wish them to be.

And that, folks, is the most inconvenient truth of all—one that no amount of prayer will solve without the humility to realize that sometimes, the person who needs to change isn't your child. It's you.

References

1 Johnson, S. B., Bradshaw, C. P., Haynie, D. L., & Simons-Morton, B. G. (2021). Responses to Discrimination and Social Resilience Under Neoliberalism: The United States Compared to European Countries. In Behavioral Sciences (Vol. 11, Issue 7, p. 93). MDPI AG. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs11070093

2 The Trevor Project. (2022). National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health 2022. The Trevor Project. https://www.thetrevorproject.org/survey-2022/

3 Turban, J. L., King, D., Carswell, J. M., & Keuroghlian, A. S. (2020). Pubertal suppression for transgender youth and risk of suicidal ideation. Pediatrics, 145(2), e20191725. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2019-1725

4 Katz-Wise, S. L., Ehrensaft, D., Vetters, R., Forcier, M., & Austin, S. B. (2018). Family functioning and mental health of transgender and gender-nonconforming youth in the trans teen and family narratives project. The Journal of Sex Research, 55(4-5), 582-590. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2017.1415291

5 Ashley, F. (2023). The clinical irrelevance of "desistance" research for transgender and gender-creative youth. Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, 10(1), 35–48. https://doi.org/10.1037/sgd0000504

6 Vines, M. (2021). God and the Gay Christian: The Biblical Case in Support of Same-Sex Relationships. Convergent Books.

A Sad Mom’s Post:

I guess I made a terrible mistake in forwarding the link on Detrans awareness day to my 30 year old “nonbinary”daughter. That very night she texted me saying: “i can't do this anymore mom. i am simply not the person you think i am, and i never will be. i'm so tired of hoping you'll finally understand and love me for who i really am instead of who you thought i'd be.

i'm lucky to have people in my life who really know me, understand me, and love the real me. so i'll be okay, despite how heartbreaking it is to have to cut off your own parents for your own wellbeing.

i'm going to block your number, goodbye”

My husband and I are devastated all over again, as she had already blocked him. I’m relying on prayer, as I always have been, and know that Jesus is in the driver’s seat. She used to believe this as well and was once a devout Catholic through high school and the majority of college until she went away to study for her BS after she graduated with honors from a local community college. I believe all of this started when she was isolated with the wrong person during the beginning of the pandemic and she kicked her faith in God to the curb. I did tell her this in a letter I wrote to her in November and this was probably another mistake on my part, but I’ve always been a believer in not sugarcoating the truth.

Does anyone have any suggestions besides prayer? We both feel so helpless, but I’m also feeling a little relieved, as it is so hard to keep reaching out and continually being mostly ignored, but also corrected on my inadvertent use of the wrong pronouns. I’ve never thought I was taking a hardline approach with her and have tried to mostly ask her thought-provoking questions during the limited conversations we’ve had (no real back and forths since October when she was crying and said, “if I could only do something about this voice and these breasts”). I asked if she had researched the consequences of the medical interventions and she replied, “yes. People are happier.” I said, “that’s not what I’ve heard. Let’s agree to share research with each other”. (Honestly she never agreed to share anything with me, but I still tried to impart some facts that I found and I directed her towards Genspect.org.

I thought this would be an inroad since she has a biology degree, but things have only gotten worse from there.

I’ve shared numerous things from Genspect via sending links in text messages and I’ve just heard crickets from her. I also decided to send pictures to her every day in Dec (her birthday month) of things that remind me of her. She never responded to any of these images, which to me seems so cold-hearted!
We’ve only actually spoken 2x since then and both times she was ungraciously showing anger towards me and correcting me because I inadvertently referred to her as “she” or “her” in the presence of our dying uncle (the first time) and then again at his burial when we were informally standing together and chatting with her cousin before the service began(the 2nd encounter). I did chastise her that time after she blustered about my pronoun use saying, “can we please not make this about you?” I know I’ve been rambling, but I really am so tired of walking on eggshells about what I say. I really would LOVE to just say as her mother, “snap out of it! You are not living in reality when you say, ‘I’m not a woman or a man’. You are lying to yourself and you really need professional help from someone who isn’t going to feed into your untruths!” I realize I can’t say any of this, but I’d like to shine some truth on her because all she’s listening to are lies.
She’s been in “therapy” for a long time, but obviously not seeing the right people. This is all so exhausting…
If anyone can give me some helpful feedback I’d appreciate it. Thanks for tolerating my ramblings!! 🥲
…A Sad Mom