Wish We Could Talk

This letter is a work of satire and fiction, written in response to the original article:
"Wish We Could Talk" by stoicmom, crossposted to pittparents.com
It is not intended to represent the views or experiences of any real individuals.

I often think about how I first told you that I was going to start living as 'a boy'. I sent us a text - not the best way looking back on it, but I was so frightened tell you and Dad. Your reactions proved this fear as correct and astute, and because of that truth, it has been strained between us for the past three years. You both told me that you love me, that whatever is going on we'll figure it out, but that you both still love me. You called you two days later, and we about it briefly. I asked if you had questions and you asked," Well, yeah.... Honey, you do not like guys or bros and now you want to be one?" And I giggled. God how I hated how I sounded when I giggled. You were silent, so I said "yeah, I guess so." Then you asked "where did this come from?" and I said "my therapist asked if I thought I might be trans." I was so scared that this would rapidly spiral into something terrible, that I did not elaborate. How I wish I had mentioned that from there we spent month after month deep diving and rooting around in my brain, exploring and speaking honest truths, feelings, and understanding new revelations as I finally opened up about this part I had kept compartmentalized and buried for, well, for as long as I can remember. I know you do not believe me, I know you do because you say that my life is full of lies now. That I truly have became a liar... something I can say with confidence that I have never been. Certainly not now, and certainly not with something so important. I can’t refute any of your feelings Mom, I know it is confusing, and hard, and difficult for you but it is all true. The experiences I had growing up, the ones I told you... that I had mostly male friends growing up, among others, are the truth. The fact that I never brought them home or kept them to myself does not change the fact that it is true.

But here is what I am wondering today... How did you feel when I came out? How do you feel now? How awful it must have felt to think your dreams of a perfect daughter were shattered, replaced by a son you never expected or wanted. In the text, I offered you the honor of renaming me, hoping that just as you took time to find the right name for me as a baby, you might embrace the opportunity to help me find a new name that fits the man I am becoming. But instead, you clung to my birth name like a life raft, as if by refusing to let go of it, you could somehow keep me from drifting away from the daughter you thought you had.

But how painful that must have been for you, to have a daughter who did not rejoice in their femininity. You thought you found the darling daughter and princess, the child through which all would be made better than it was for you and what you had experienced. You thought you found your salvation, the reason your life as a married couple was not going exactly the way you had envisioned. Never mind that this pressure and set of expectations over the years brought on bouts of anorexia, the dabbling in self harm by cutting, leading to some missed opportunities, and then dealing the first eight months of a global pandemic. Everything could be explained away by you, thinking I was latching onto any reason to not deal with the “real issues” I was facing. And then, in the peak of narcissistic rage, you split hairs over my words as if that proves you are right and I am wrong, because I used “boy” and “man” interchangeably a few times. You knew what I meant, but that will be your "smoking gun” to debunk my entire mental and emotional psyche! And you wonder why things are still strained? Why I am still suffering from some of these remaining childhood issues?

I am sure you thought because I did my best to fit the mold, that your daughter would be like a mix of you and Dad - a diehard liberal with a history of working with oppressed people. That you would have me to embrace and shown off. Or you thought the fact that your mother was a lesbian, so of course your daughter might be one as well, and being bi would be OK too. So I understand that this would be a shock to you, and I am truly sorry.... I am truly sorry that you did not know me well enough to know that would not be the case. How completely disorienting and devastating for you. How utterly world-shattering it must have been for you to realize that the child you thought you knew had depths and truths hidden even from you. But a parent's intuition is not infallible, and just because you never saw signs of my gender dysphoria or discomfort with the expectations you had for me doesn't mean those feelings weren't there, buried under layers of shame and fear. Anorexia nervosa, cutting, all forms of anxiety and depression expressed - they had to come from somewhere don’t you think?

Three years into this journey, I am finally starting to find my footing. Our relationship, though strained, still endures. I have begun medical transition, and each change in my voice, my appearance, seems to strike you like a physical blow. Sometimes, I can't even bear to talk to you on the phone, so disturbed am I by the disappointment and rejection I hear on the other end of the line. I wonder, sometimes, how different things might be if you had found it in your heart to trust me, to believe that I know myself better than even you ever could. But I have too much respect for myself, too much integrity, to live a lie just to make you comfortable. You and Dad taught me that. To be true to myself, and to stand up for what I believe in, even against the popular tide and opinion. My identity is not a delusion or a flight of fancy, but a deep, abiding understanding of who I am. And while my journey may have been a catalyst for the strife and tension into our family, I know that denying my truth would have only led to more pain, more fractured pieces of myself scattered in my wake. I wonder when you will ever see the positive outcomes from my transition - they are there, if only you were willing to see.  

I love you; I will always love you. But I wish you had found the strength and compassion to grow with me, to see this not as a loss but as a beautiful becoming. Living in a world that constantly invalidates and denigrates people like me is a battle I must fight every day. I never imagined I would have to wage that war within my own family as well. In spite of it all, I never doubted that you and Dad would always be in my corner, and have my back. I never imagined you would abandon me when I needed you the most. Not because of what I did, or said, but simply because of the very fundamental and immutable fact of what I am. I am transgender, I am your trans son, and that will forever be not good enough, not man enough, not loveable enough to accept, support, and when I need it, defend. Instead, of us as a family standing strong against the oppressors, fighting for the oppressed, I have to fight you both and the rest of the world behind you. And you wonder why the panic attacks haven’t stopped yet?

But life goes on, and I will continue to grow and thrive, with or without your approval. Perhaps there will come a day of reckoning, but it will not be the one you imagine where I "come to my senses" and beg for your forgiveness. No, it will be a reckoning of your own heart, a chance for you to see how your rejection has only pushed me further away, and to decide whether your love for me is stronger than your attachment to the illusion of the daughter you thought you had and the respect of nature you believe you are defending.

I will be here, living my truth, when and if you are ready to meet me where I am. I pray that someday, you will see that my transition is not a betrayal or a tragedy, but a courageous act of self-love and authenticity. Until then, I will continue to surround myself with people who love and accept me for exactly who I am... your son.

Life will go on, you will grow up and at some point, there will be a reckoning. I will be here for you when that happens. People are waking up to the harm this is causing. I am so sorry you got caught up in it...so, so sorry.